Friday, January 2, 2009

Happy Birthday Jackson!

Today is Jackson's tenth birthday. I shared some about his birth in this post. What I didn't share was what happened mid pregnancy. To appreciate the drama in this story, you must understand the background, too.

You see, I did not have a biological brother. My sister and I were my parents' only children. I met my "brother" when I was ... I guess around the fifth grade. He was a boy in my neighborhood, that I did not know even lived there until I was around that age, when my parents started not- minding that I ride my bike off of our street (he was around the corner). He was a couple of years older than me, and was an only child. Since my sister is 12 1/2 years older than me, I grew up practically as an "only", too. He took me under his wing- taught me to do tricks with my bike like riding down a hill with no hands (he tried teaching me how to do that and pedal as well, but we decided my girlie bike just "stunk", lol). He taught me how to throw a baseball and catch it, how to swing with a bat and hit. how not to be afraid of his pitches even though they seemed mighty close to me, lol

He taught me how to dribble a basketball, shoot and make a basket. He taught me that I was not cut out to play basketball ;o) although we still played when he wanted to. He taught me to not be afraid of big dogs besides my own. He taught me how to light a match and burn styrofoam (shhh, don't tell my parents!), and ultimately, my first roasted marshmellow come from us playing with fire in his "clubhouse", LOL He taught me that some boys are just stupid (case in point the boy that lived on the street behind mine). He taught me that some people are just ignorant and cannot see beyond the nose on their face (case in point, the guy that lived a few houses down from him, I don't even remember his name now.)

This was all before I hit eighth grade. During that time he become heavily involved in his church's AWANA program, and my faint recollection of that time was he decided that he was going to be a preacher when he grew up. I remember a single conversation in his driveaway, him asking me if I believed in God. He was the first person to ever witness to me, looking back.

In high school, he taught me to never let a boy physically hurt me. There was a certain boy I liked that did, and when it happened in front of him once, it did not happen again. He saw to it. Later in high school- he protected me. I remember a night at Myrtle Beach (in my BC days - Before Christ); when I ended up at his hotel room drunk ... very drunk ... and although the rest of that night was quite the blur for me, I do remember him threatening his friends to leave me alone and not to come near me ;o) He protected me from myself, lol

He was there for prom. I went to the prom my freshman year with my senior boyfriend, and he is there- in my pictures. Yep- he come down to my house in his tux to see me off for the prom- the same one he was going to as he was a Junior, LOL

He was my brother.
So as an adult, not growing up with a real relationship with my sister one because of the age differences, two because of her own life situations, the only sibling relationship I knew, was, to have a brother. and it was a blessed relationship, one that I treasure fondly. When faced with the fact I was going to be a parent, and have my own children, the thought went to birth order from time to time. Not as much, would I like a daughter, because yes, I wanted a daughter. I wanted twins, and I wanted one of each! That was my answer when people asked, before I went for my first ultrasound! OUr "official" answer was- we wanted a healthy child. Of course, right?

So the day of our ultrasound come. Jay and I had decided, that although his curiosity was great, and he wanted to know, that it would be impossible for him to know and me not know, so, when the nurse wrote down the sex of the baby and folded the piece of paper ... Jay sat there a minute, and threw the paper in the trash without looking. We decided to keep it a surprise. We were "Team Green" as I would later learn the term ;o)

My very next doctor's appointment went well. The ultrasound results were great, the baby was healthy, all was good. I walked out to the desk to make my next appointment, and there it was. The INSIDE of my folder...
I saw it at the same time she handed me my appointment card, I nodded, speechless, and tore out of the office. Jay jumped out of his chair and ran after me, I got to the car, we got in, and as soon as I sat down the tears started flowing ... and they flowed ... and they FLOWED. I probably sobbed uncontrollably for an HOUR before I could form the words to tell my poor, scared husband what was wrong!

That whole time poor Jay had a million thoughts run through his head, mainly, there was something wrong with the baby that the tech could not tell us when we were there for the ultrasound appointment. Thoughts raced through his mind of things that could be wrong, but he was confused because we counted one head, two arms, ten fingers, two legs, ten toes .... did other tests results come back he did not know of? Did the baby have a chromosomal abnormality? (My nephew has a deformed gene, and is handicapped.) Does it have three eyes that the doctor found that the tech missed? One kidney instead of two? What? What?? What??!!

He knew sitting at home wasn't going to help matters, he in his brilliance was thinking of distraction techniques, so we went to Lowes Hardware right down the road from my doctor's office to get me out in public and walking around. Cause you know, it's harder to cry in public ... unless you saw what I saw.

What did I see in my folder that caused such a strong reaction?
It was decked out in PINK.
Down to the pink baby bracelet with my last name on it!

It was at that moment, that instant moment when I saw the pink, that my heart of hearts acknowledged- I wanted a BOY!! It was a girl and I wanted a BOY! WHY did I want a boy?! Birth Order! Because I wanted my daughter to have a big brother! If I had a girl first, she could never have a big brother! I wanted my daughter to have a the biological relationship to a big brother that I had to my "adopted" big brother! If I bore a girl first, that would not happen!

What a horrible mother I was! That I was not happy but overwhelmingly distraught by the fact I had a perfectly healthy daughter inside of me, instead of a perfectly healthy SON!! I cried for three hours. THREE hours. There was more. Our family fought us tooth and nail, moreso my family, because we decided to not find out the sex. Many conversations and debates occured over that (we did not have good boundaries back then, lol). I was also upset, because NOW I "knew" the sex. One more argument that had been "lost", like it really mattered. So we kept our little fact a secret. Actually, my mother still not does know this story, LOL I don't think anyone does! My sister in law will, because she will likely read this at some point and call me ;o)

So on that great day that I birthed my first child by emergency c section, and as they went to pull him from my womb, my having spent three months making peace that my dream of my daughter, who was about to be born, would never have the biological big brother, not knowing if she would ever be as blessed as I was to have another male assume that position in her life .... having spent three months learning to love my daughter as much as I would a son in the grand scheme of things ....

as Jay watched them turning the baby around and around because the cord was around it's neck so tightly they had no choice but to move the baby instead of the cord, they exclaimed-


and what a wonderful big brother he is, too :o)

As far away from God as we were that night, he still gave me the desire of my heart.
Psalm 21:2
"Thou hast given him his heart's desire, and hast not withholden the request of his lips."



  1. What a wonderful story. The knowledge that God is good to us even before we accept His love is awesome. Your husbands Lowes trip shows how the male gender tries in their own way to bring comfort.

  2. Nope ~ wasn't whale watching.

    BTW, I commented here before but there was an error I guess :(

    Anyway, that was an awesome story. I wanted a boy first for the same reason and I got him :)

  3. What a beautiful story. I also grew us as the youngest of two girls and always wanted an older brother. My firstborn was also a boy and he is a wonderful big brother to his younger sisters and brothers.

  4. You completely drew me into your story--so many touching moments. You touch on the exact reasons why siblings mean so much in our lives. Thank you for that.

  5. WOW! that is a wonderful testimony.

    My desire was not for a boy, but for a daughter. I did not care when in birth order she came, but I wanted a daughter. So badly did I want a daughter, then secondary infertility happened. 5+ years of TTC (especially a daughter)...and then we were given our daughter in Kunming China. God gives us our desires, but sometimes I think He makes us "grow" through other circumstances so we can appreciate them all the more.

  6. I'll admit it.....I wanted a boy first for the same reason!

    Boy, Boy, Girl, and (Chosen) Girl. Our birth order :)