I got the news yesterday that Dante, a baby who I have been praying for for the past year- went home to be with the Lord. When they announced right before Christmas that the battle against Neuroblastoma (a type of cancer behind his eye and on one of his thighs) was going downhill with no medical hope of it changing, all of those feelings come back. The same heartbreak any mother feels when she hears about the loss of a child, ya know? I'm just TOO familiar with these feelings it seems.
The Lord has shown me how much I have healed from the hurt of losing ^Jordan^. I may not really feel like it most days, but, I have. We lost Jordan in April '08 (for my new readers, this is our great nephew that stayed with us 60-70 hours a week for four, of the seven weeks he was here on earth.); I had been praying for ^Gracie^ from I guess May or June until I pulled up her page in ... maybe August? (Read the "My Story" part on that page!)
Then it "got real" for me, Gracie's story. You know you can pray for something or someone, and be sincere, but still not have that "connection" with what you're praying for. That was this case. Then Gracie went home to be with the Lord in October.
She would have been ten months old today. That means Jordan would have already been ten months. I remember looking at my cousin's sweet little boy at Christmas, thinking of Jordan, knowing Jordan was only a month younger than him, and how much smaller Jordan probably would have been him being the lil peanut he was. It still amazes me how strong Amanda (Gracie's mom) has been through all of this. I'm not sure, had our paths not crossed, just how well I would be doing right now. I hate the thought of her losing her sweet daughter, but had it not been for Gracie, we would have never met. It's odd, how the Lord works things out. I guess some things we will just never understand until we get to glory.
I remember saying to people when Grandma died "Grief- it's such a process..." when they'd ask how I was doing. I knew I was losing Grandma though. As much as I did not want to, I knew in my heart her time was coming. We did not know we would lose Jordan. He was here and then he was gone. Gracie's uncle Jay made her a video and has it on youtube, grab your tissues and go over and meet this sweet little girl. (You won't be the same!) As I was posting on her page earlier today I saw her grandma had posted the most appropriate, nicest poem:
"All things, " dear Lord did you mean that
All things would work together?
The good, the bad, the ugly, Lord-
Even though death should sever?
So sweeping, so comprehensive,
Might there be, Lord, exceptions?
this hurt, this shame, this utter pain,
Is there new revelation?
And yet the Word is plain and clear,
That all things work together;
Help me to take this word from Thee,
And cease my strivings ever.
The good, the bad, the ugly, Lord,
They're colors on my canvas,
That Thou wilt use to form and mold
For good and wondrous brightness.
O Lord, when all just seems so lost,
And hopeless the perspective,
help me to trust and just believe,
And know Thy Word's effective.
Increase my faith, increase my trust,
And cease my empty reason;
For all things work together, Lord
Though painful at this season.
As I read the last entry on Dante's page written by his father, I decided to go surprise Hannah and eat lunch with her at school. This was the first time I ever had. Jordan, Gracie and Dante has shown me we cannot wait for anything. Do it NOW- there might not be another breath .. another tomorrow. Our days are numbered, and God only knows when our last day will be. I'm just so glad I know Him as my Savior and know that when that time comes, heaven with Him is where I'll be.