Friday, January 1, 2010

No resolutions for ten

I started blogging more regularly about this time last year. Needless to say the past few months I have not been very active but I promise dear readers I plan to change that. Not that blogging more regularly is a New Year's Resolution. That was last year's resolution. I succeeded until about October- with that resolution and a couple other ones. Then I have partially felt awful about not 'completing' the year, and I wonder why I'm allowing myself to feel such guilt. Typically, guilt is associated with conviction for me, but I know the Lord isn't convicting me of not posting more to the blog ... right? Of course not. I believe the guilt is more aligned with the typically "mommy guilt", guilt of not being able to do it all.

So, for 2010, in an effort to banish an attempt for mommy guilt to set in, I refuse to make New Year's Resolutions. Merriam-Webster refers to resolution as the "act of resolving"- or "to reach a firm decision about". Most anything you read on goals says to break your goal up into smaller goals, and work your way up. That is much more attainable, don't you think? Don't be surprised if you see posts from me referring to monthly goals. One thing '09 taught me, is to aim low and if you reach higher, then "yay!". In 2010, I shall have smaller goals each month, and by the end of the year, we'll talk about how they all laid the foundation for the more further out, higher end goal I see in the horizon of my mind.

With that, I realize what a blessed woman I truly am. I have seen numerous references about what a bad year '09 was, and I don't see it for us. 2008? oh yeh, that was bad. Jordan died in April, and I don't think I got out of bed much until July. We made the heart wrenching decision to pull the kids from our beloved private school and put them in a public / charter school (financial reasons only). We went through that heart wrenching transition, but God is good, even when your kids are not in the preferred school. We watched them struggle, but God is good, even when we struggle. He provided a way for us to get them back in private school by the end of the school year. The next month, Jay was demoted and the school funds were blown out. I spent the summer wondering how we were going to pay for school, but right as school was ready to start, Jay was offered a new job with a pay increase that covered the school bill. He took the job, and it has been the challenge of his career, but God is good. He carries us through.

He gives grace, where grace is needed. While I would never recommend public school to anyone if they have an option like ours, the trial we went through with our children was a "necessary trial" that I know God led us to- because we learned so much about our children. We ended school year '09 with a deeper relationship with our kids that we might not otherwise have had, if we had not worked through the trial together as a family.

My migraines have been more intense and frequent this year, but I have not seen that as a major issue necessarily- grace. This Christmas, our kids said it was the "best Christmas ever". Jackson doesn't like singing in children's choir, but his favorite day of the week is Monday night visitation when he goes out with a couple of early 20-something "preacher boys". I could not be more proud in that regard! Not only that, but for some reason he has busted out of his desire to dress casually for church, and is wanting to dress up now. While I realize it is the condition of the inside that is more important when it comes to worship, to see my soon-to-be preteen boy decide on his own now, that he wants to dress nice on Sundays is a HUGE blessing for me. (Now people will see we do buy him nice clothes!) The grief issues Hannah was experiencing regarding Jordan have passed. In '08 she was not able to hear his name much less see a picture of him without crying. In '09, she has worked through that. In '10, I plan to put his pictures on the wall. (That's big for her and me.)

2009 has presented its own challenges, but the blessings have far outweighed them. We've both done our own fair share of soul searching and pondering; there have been circumstances that, while it would not be big to others, was big enough for us- but we have been able to adjust to with the Lord's guidance. I believe 2009 has been a year of trust. For me, I have begun learning that if we trust the Lord first, and move forward second, life's trials are ten times more bearable. In my church-notebook (the diary sized journal I keep in my bible bag to take notes in Sunday School and during services...), last January I made my 2009 "theme verse":
"Some trust in chariots, and some in horses: but we will remember the name of the LORD our God" -- Psalm 20:7

I don't know what my '10 theme verse will, be, but I do know, if I continue to remember the name of the Lord MY God, 2010 will be just fine.

1 comment:

  1. It sounds like you've truly trusted the Lord this year. Life's circumstances aren't always good, but God sure is!