One week, no blogging

I found the title line though so that's a good thing ;o) After 5 years of posting on message board forums, I cannot comprehend posting anything without a title line :p

I have good news on my weight loss blog, you should check it out.

However, not so good news for this blog. I'm practically off my anti depressants, and am crashing big time. This time it's not simply because I'm 'off' the meds, but I got a real blow last night :(

Background, right now we're living (renting) in an 800 sq ft apartment. I feel so cramped, so disoragnized with no hope in the future. I feel like I just float from day to day, shifting the clutter that would not be actual clutter if it had a home, but doesn't. I have no desire to "work" on the day to day stuff around here, mainly because of the disoragnization. I have always said I'm a very visual person, so I guess in ym subconscious, if I cannot see the fruits of my labor move forward, taking this place from walls that surround our stuff, to a home, then why bother. This has been a huge burden on me for quite some time now. I have a feeling it's added to the marital strain we have been experiencing as well.

I have been playing with the mortage calculators on interest.com, and realized we could find a nice house for the same price we're renting for. We don't pay high rent, just $550 a month. Playing with the other calculators I realized that Jay's income actually fell in line with the range we are paying now. In other words, looking at range and income, we could logically move forward to our own home. I looked around our area to see what was available, saw some prospects- my bad- I got excited. I looked outside of our box. I should know better.

I pulled our credit yesterday, and without even looking at the score, it's awful. What I did not realize was we had in excess of $10k in collections, and a $700 judgement that just happened in the past year. I am sooooooooooo tired of our financial disabilities!! Ten years we have been together and there is absoutely nothing better than it was ten years ago! We're STILL struggling from paycheck to paycheck, except now we have two kids and school tuition to pay every month that will double come next school year when Hannah starts!!

During my last counseling appointment he mentioned that my goal should be to be more of a helpmate for J. I have gotten so used to being self sufficient to a degree, we are working parallel instead of walking together, hand in hand. I see the logic in that. So this past week I started considering going back to work. I do not have much experience in much of anything. My last job was working in a deli-bakery department at a higher end grocery store, which, I was an asst deli-bakery mgr on my way up the corporate chain when I got pregnant with Jackson and left.

It would be logical to go back there, to what I know. I enjoyed the work. Food service has been my thing all of my working career, along with mgmt. Of course I cannot expect to go back in there in mgmt after being out of the workforce for 5 years .... or can I? I don't have a high school diploma or a GED, that is something else that has been lingering in the back of my mind this week. B, our 19 yo neice, went and got hers this summer in order to get hired at this fancy shancy restrauant in which she's making goooooood money now.

I guess my thoughts are, if I am going to go back to work, why not do it with a bang. Get my GED before I apply to I can be honest on my application, then apply starting with a mgmt position and work my way down. As a general laborer I cannot accept less than $9/hr or it would not be worth my going back to work. So department mgmt would start probably $10.50-11 an hour. That would be great. But can I pull it off?

One thing I have learned being a community leader for iVillage, is the premice of "selling". If you read anything on iVillage, you can see they make big things out of little things, and huge things out of big things. I already know what the job positions entails, so I believe writing the resume will not be that hard of a task. It's all in the wording, right? With the holiday season coming up, if they're needing a mgr in one of the stores, my resume just might look like a dream come true. ;o) Then again, if anything, they will know they're getting a very profitable employee.

Last time I was at the store I'm applying for (before Jackson) I was the night shift supervisor. When I went into mgmt training, they hired three people, two FT and one PT to do what I was doing.

But with all of this working hoopla, we must not forget I have two children who have depended on me their entire lives. Looking back, I wonder what I have actually offered them. Spending most of my last 5 years suffering depression, Jackson's childhood has not been that hot. I've been better with Hannah, since I was aware of my illness and combatted it proactively from her birth. However, I have spent a great deal of HER life not beign able to afford medication, so it's not like there's been a lot of quality there, either. The way I have felt for the past few weeks, which can probably be an example of "most of the time", I do good to get Jackson to carpool in the mornings. To look at our house it's not like I'm June Cleaver by a longshot. Depression still has it's toll in our home.

For me to go back to work would mean that she would go in preschool full time. Well, almost full time. J has said he would keep her on his day off and mom said she would watch her one day, so that's three days a week. Not bad. All in all, it would cost us about $500 a month for me to go back to work, tithe, Hannah's schooling, Jackson's additional childcare and gas expenses. It would probably be better for her to be away from me anyways. Then the time we spend together in the evenings would be more quality. Jackson wouldn't be missing a lot any way, he's in school until 3:15. Hannah will be in school next year anyways, so to wait would be delaying the inevitable looking at the big picture.

If I went back to work, I would meet a LOT of new people, which would mean, new Mary Kay contacts! The more contacts I make, the more sales I have, the more potential recruits, more recruits, more commission, then eventually, in due time, I will be at car then director status. Going back to work is nothing but a good thing regarding my Mary Kay business. It's impossible to meet new people with Hannah in tow. So that would be killing two birds at one time. PTL

If I went back to work, it would require teamwork regarding the house between Jay and I. Until now it's been "he works hard all day, that's my end" and believe me, if I don't do it, it doesn't get done (except clearing the LR, and taking out the trash, thanks honey.). That would actually be a huge load off of me, for several reasons.

One, I would more efficiently see the fruit of my labors, because when you have less time, you tend to work harder at something. That would go for both of us. Two, my ADD-self would be on a schedule- something we have not had in years. That alone brings more functionality to our lives. Not to mention we would be able to afford my medicine(s), which would bring more functionality to the fold. The schedule and team work would bring more quality interaction between both of us, and with our kids. Like I said, when you have less time, you work harder at things.

The only downfall would be, in order to work Mary Kay in the evenings I would need to drop Monday night visitation. but ya know? I haven't been in months so now I have a valid reason not to. Up until now it's just been "if it ain't one thing it's another" going on. My MK meeting life has been non existant for two months now, at least that will get back on track. I would still have my other two (-three) ministries so there's no real reason to feel guilty from dropping that.

Then there's the ultimate factor in whether this is what I shold do- is it God's will?

Lets examine this but briefly:
Is it God's will to have a negative credit report?
It's one thing to be poor, God takes care of the poor, the meek shall inherit the earth. The poor can still have good credit ratings, which, basically means, be fiscally responsible. So going back to work would not be about us simply having more money, but giving our family the ability to be fiscally responsible. Those collection accounts may be 5+ years old, but that money is still owed! Even if we one day become responsible with our current debts, there will always be that lingering old debt, haunting us, prohibiting us from owning our own home.

Is it God's will to not pay your bills on time?
Right now, we aren't, and haven't ever done so. We have always played the juggling game with our bills, going paycheck to paycheck just barely making ends meet. All we do is bide time. I can hardly say that is God's will for his children.

Is it God's will to be so financially tied down, you have to choose between tithing and eating?
Coming into the full knowledge recently of what our monetary situation is, that's where we are. We do not have the incoming means to faithfully tithe, AND pay our bills.

Is it God's will for our children to be in private Christain school?
YES- no doubts.

So for Jackson to remain in private Christian school, AND us be able to eat, and tithe, there's one answer- I must go back to work. The rest is gravy.

If you've made it this far, you deserve some Godiva. Go get ya some, I don't have the money for it right now ;o) This has been very therapeutic for me, thanks for being there!!