So, for 2010, in an effort to banish an attempt for mommy guilt to set in, I refuse to make New Year's Resolutions. Merriam-Webster refers to resolution as the "act of resolving"- or "to reach a firm decision about". Most anything you read on goals says to break your goal up into smaller goals, and work your way up. That is much more attainable, don't you think? Don't be surprised if you see posts from me referring to monthly goals. One thing '09 taught me, is to aim low and if you reach higher, then "yay!". In 2010, I shall have smaller goals each month, and by the end of the year, we'll talk about how they all laid the foundation for the more further out, higher end goal I see in the horizon of my mind.
With that, I realize what a blessed woman I truly am. I have seen numerous references about what a bad year '09 was, and I don't see it for us. 2008? oh yeh, that was bad. Jordan died in April, and I don't think I got out of bed much until July. We made the heart wrenching decision to pull the kids from our beloved private school and put them in a public / charter school (financial reasons only). We went through that heart wrenching transition, but God is good, even when your kids are not in the preferred school. We watched them struggle, but God is good, even when we struggle. He provided a way for us to get them back in private school by the end of the school year. The next month, Jay was demoted and the school funds were blown out. I spent the summer wondering how we were going to pay for school, but right as school was ready to start, Jay was offered a new job with a pay increase that covered the school bill. He took the job, and it has been the challenge of his career, but God is good. He carries us through.
He gives grace, where grace is needed. While I would never recommend public school to anyone if they have an option like ours, the trial we went through with our children was a "necessary trial" that I know God led us to- because we learned so much about our children. We ended school year '09 with a deeper relationship with our kids that we might not otherwise have had, if we had not worked through the trial together as a family.
My migraines have been more intense and frequent this year, but I have not seen that as a major issue necessarily- grace. This Christmas, our kids said it was the "best Christmas ever". Jackson doesn't like singing in children's choir, but his favorite day of the week is Monday night visitation when he goes out with a couple of early 20-something "preacher boys". I could not be more proud in that regard! Not only that, but for some reason he has busted out of his desire to dress casually for church, and is wanting to dress up now. While I realize it is the condition of the inside that is more important when it comes to worship, to see my soon-to-be preteen boy decide on his own now, that he wants to dress nice on Sundays is a HUGE blessing for me. (Now people will see we do buy him nice clothes!) The grief issues Hannah was experiencing regarding Jordan have passed. In '08 she was not able to hear his name much less see a picture of him without crying. In '09, she has worked through that. In '10, I plan to put his pictures on the wall. (That's big for her and me.)
2009 has presented its own challenges, but the blessings have far outweighed them. We've both done our own fair share of soul searching and pondering; there have been circumstances that, while it would not be big to others, was big enough for us- but we have been able to adjust to with the Lord's guidance. I believe 2009 has been a year of trust. For me, I have begun learning that if we trust the Lord first, and move forward second, life's trials are ten times more bearable. In my church-notebook (the diary sized journal I keep in my bible bag to take notes in Sunday School and during services...), last January I made my 2009 "theme verse":
"Some trust in chariots, and some in horses: but we will remember the name of the LORD our God" -- Psalm 20:7
I don't know what my '10 theme verse will, be, but I do know, if I continue to remember the name of the Lord MY God, 2010 will be just fine.
I remember that day so clearly, like it was yesterday. We were living in our apartment, and the playground was right across from our building. I could sit on our front balcony and watch the kids play. This day my nephew was over visiting, and being nine, I let both kids go with him to the playground. I was in the hallway sorting laundry, and our neighbor in the building across from us knocked on the door. It was August, so I had the big door open with the screen up in the storm door. He called my name as he was knocking.
As I turned around from my neighbor, I reached for my phone, called Jay and said "stop what you're doing, Jackson has broke his arm we're headed for the hospital right now". Jay, being Jay, says "are you sure it's broken?", to whcih I answer "I'm looking at it, and his hand is dangling from the rest of his arm", and he said "Okay, I'll meet you there". As I go to grab my keys and a towel, all I could say was "Lord, help me ...", and he did. By then our neighbor was helping him back down the stairs to my car, the mother of the other little boy they were playing with was taking my nephew and Hannah to her apartment, we get him settled in the back seat, and off we go.
However, as I was talking calmly to him, and he was still semi rational, it dawned on me. I needed to look at the road, instead of in the back seat. The whole time I know I was praying under my breath, I believe that was the only way I was really remembering to breath. As I was talking as soothingly as I could, the Lord led me to call one of my friends (a good friend) in another state. We had prayed a number of times on the phone and she has a VERY soothing voice, especially when she prays. I called her, and put her on the phone with Jackson. They had spoken before, she wasn't a stranger at all to him.